Originally published by Two Thousand in 2015

It seems like it was yesterday that we were proudly announcing that Darlo late night drinkateria The Cliff Dive had opened a kitchen selling grilled things on sticks. It seems even sooner that we were joining the hordes praising the burger gods that Mary’s had opened a CBD joint, home to the best brekky burger we’d ever eaten three of before lunchtime at least twice.

As it turns out, the fellas at Cliff Dive and Mary’s like to keep themselves as busy as they do drunk and tattooed, as last week saw the Mary’s team move into Cliff Dive to open, of all things, a kebab kitchen. Could they work the same magic on the late night kebab that they had on the cheeseburger? There was only one way to find out. We had to eat all four of the kebabs on the menu.

Kebab one was the closest thing to a regular kebab, something similar to the chicken roll at El Jannah (a big compliment!), a chicken x garlic x pickle combo that you can turbo-size by adding chopped chicken hearts and livers to. Kebab two is the spicy one, the name ‘Devil Pork’ acting as a warning for the firey chilli kick folded in between the thin slices of pork and lettuce.

Kebab three let the team down a little, the promising combination of lamb and XO sauce being a little on the bland side, offering little in texture and bite, something easily fixed with a richer XO sauce (or maybe the addition of lamb hearts and liver?). All letdowns were forgotten after one bite of kebab four, the pumpkin and corn kebab stealing the show with the additional crunch of roasted chickpeas and a creamy garlic sauce. In all seriousness, my favourite of the kebabs might be this vegetarian option. What have I become?

If the only thing missing from Cliff Dive’s tiki and tinnie fest was a hairy man in a singlet making a shitload of kebabs in the corner, put your hands in the air. Mary’s have delivered again. As in, they’ve delivered another hit food spot. Mary’s don’t actually deliver yet, the bastards.

Where
The Cliff Dive, 16-18 Oxford Square, Darlinghurst

When
Thu-Sun from 7pm

How much
$9 – $12

Originally published by Two Thousand in 2014

Beloved Newtown burger spot Mary’s wowed Sydney’s online burger eating ‘community’ when they announced that they’d be opening a franchise in the CBD. It was possibly the first time in history that anyone was excited about something from Newtown moving closer to their workplace. The productivity of human resource workers who worked within 10km of Pitt St Mall was down 75% for a solid 3 months. Every day they checked Broadsheet for news of Mary’s CBD opening, hoping to tag their co-workers in the comments before they were tagged themselves. “Omg, lunch date soon? This needs to happen! When.are.we.going?”

The wait ended last week when Mary’s CBD opened their doors on Castlereagh st, neighboured by numerous cafes which nobody you know has ever gone inside. The Mary’s crew warned everybody in the lead up – this city location was not going to be the dark, rock n roll dive bar that people have politely tolerated in Newtown. This was just going to be a simple takeaway joint, no seating, no Jack Daniels, minimal tattoos – and heaps of burgers, including their cheeseburger, veg burger and Mary’s burger, staples from their Newtown menu which are widely agreed to be the best burgers in Sydney.
Joining these burgers are two new ones, exclusive to the CBD store – the breakfast burger and the chicken burger.

The chicken burger is there to appease the fact that Mary’s CBD isn’t offering the baskets of fried chicken you can get in Newtown – instead you get a big hunk of fried thigh with a few bits of vegetables and some sauce. The chicken is crunchy, the bun is soft, it’s a good chicken burger for sure. But, it is completely overshadowed by the best thing on the menu – the breakfast burger.

Served at any time of the day, the breakfast burger is what starving yourself for a month then eating a Sausage’n Egg McMuffin must be like. A sausage patty, a hash brown, bacon, an optional egg and HP sauce in between a super soft bun. It’s messy, gooey and will make you shout expletives with every bite, which is a problem if you’ve opted to take your Mary’s burgers to the Westfield food court to devour. The breakfast burger is the kind of meal that will encourage you to get brutally hungover just so you can appreciate it even more.

Yes, it’s still just a fucking burger, but what sets Mary’s apart from most of Sydney’s other burger joints is their acknowledgement that a burger should be greasy, fatty and generally bad for you. The owners fell in love with a Macca’s cheeseburger and tried to do it better without fucking it up too much. While other burger chains are announcing new super low carb burger buns that look like wooden plates, Mary’s are embracing everyone’s favourite ‘sometimes food’ and ensuring that their offerings are as delicious as possible.

Where
154 Castlereagh St, Sydney

When
Mon-Sun, 10am-10pm

How much
$10 a burger

Images
Al Naturale

Originally published by Two Thousand in 2014

Restaurant reviewing can be a dangerous game. Wait, not dangerous – stupid. Everyone rushes to the newest food spot, desperate to get their review up first, or at the very least, before Simon Food Favourites gets his review up, complete with an exhausting photo essay on what the men’s toilet looks like. By the end of a new restaurant’s first week of business some 20 reviews will pop up on blogs or food websites, either praising or slandering the food they ate, delivering an ultimatum to their readers and then never returning, instead slogging their way through the long list of restaurants that are making their grand opening the following week.

One of the main problems with this ME FIRST ME I DID IT FIRST ME attitude of reviewing is that for most restaurants, the first week is a complete and utter debacle, a festival of mistakes compared to the what the restaurant will grow into over the next few months. This applies to a young couple making their break into the food world with their first jaffle popup or for a seasoned veteran with more Good Food Guide hats than he probably has regular hats, opening his latest offering, a fast food spot called Burger Project.

Man, for the amount of hype surrounding Burger Project over the last few weeks, you would think that ebola was opening the restaurant. But as you know, the figure behind Burger Project is not a terrifying virus that originated in the African continent, rather it is the ponytailed Sydney super-chef Neil Perry, of Rockpool and Spice Temple fame. Burger Project was announced in June this year, with a website that boasted ‘Where the taste and the purity begins’, amidst pictures of cows and an admirable message about sustainability – the essential ingredient to a good burger.

Having eaten Neil’s $24 wagyu burger at Rockpool and being outraged that he would even attempt to make his own ketchup (possibly the whitest outrage I’ve ever experienced), I decided that maybe Burger Project would not be for me. But the months rolled on and it became evident that Burger Project would be aiming for a cheaper price point. Pics from the launch event made their way onto Instagram and by god, things were looking pretty good! The hype started taking ahold of Sydney and when Burger Project opened two weeks ago there was a line stretching out to the escalators of World Square, and waits of up to an hour for a burger. Can you even begin to put yourself in the minds of these poor bloggers, waiting an hour for food that they don’t even get paid to write about?

After four days of being open the reviews were coming in thick and angry. People weren’t happy about everything on the menu except the thrice cooked fries, posting reviews with the level of utter disdain that should only be reserved for Neil Perry’s Qantas in-flight menu. When I went in earlier this week, Burger Project had just 48% likes on its Urbanspoon page. The hate for Burger Project had overpowered the hype. I ordered my burger cautiously, worried that I was about to unwrap Neil Perry’s fist between two buns, smearing rancid cheese on my face as he delivered an uppercut. But instead I unwrapped a burger. I took a bite and it was a burger. Just a fucking burger.

Those thrice cooked chips are great, crunchy and covered in vinegar salt. My mandarin soda was refreshing and the ice cream is cold. It all seemed to be in order. The staff were friendly and helpful – I asked one worker what the pavlova dessert was like and she said “ice cream” – and it’s cute to see Neil working behind the counter in his sweet little uniform, glaring at my photographer as he stood on a stool to get that important aerial shot of his milkshake.

So my review for Burger Project is the same advice I’ll give anyone who was emotionally scarred by dining there: It’s just a fucking burger. It’s ten bucks and it’s not bad. They appear to be listening to diner feedback too so if you wait a few weeks before heading in the burgers will probably be even better. But no matter how much better they make it, it will always just be a fucking burger. Relax.

Where
Shop 11.06, World Square, 644 George St, Sydney

When
Mon-Sun, 11am-3pm, 5pm-10pm

How much
From $7.90

Related links
The taste and purity begins here

Images
Al Kalyk

Originally published by Two Thousand in 2014

It’s late and you’re drunk. Actually it’s not all that late and you’re not all that drunk, but at 1:15am that sense of panic sets in among your crew and the race to get to your last party venue before the lock out kicks in begins. There’s arguments, tears and genuine terror as half your squad tries to sprint down Oxford St in heels. There’s not enough time to make it to Goodgod, hell, there’s not even enough time to make it to the Burdekin. You charge into The Cliff Dive as the clock hits 1:29am, waving your IDs in the air. The relief is short lived. You haven’t eaten since brunch, tricking your body by promising yourself dinner and then punishing it with drink after drink. At 1:31am, the tropical air hits you like a piña colada bath-bomb to the face and you can already picture the cold sweats of tomorrow’s hangover as you contemplate the next 90 minutes of empty-stomach drinking.

Good news! The above nightmare no longer applies. Yes, we still live in a city with party destroying lock out laws, but the good folks at The Cliff Dive are serving food now. Fun, tasty, cheap food! No longer will we consider eating the pineapple our drink is served in – instead we will feast on sticks. Sticks of delicious grilled meat!

Wedged behind the bar, behind a pane of glass that bears the glorious word ‘SKEWERS’, is a small and simple kitchen. Manning that kitchen is Tin Jung Shea, an old friend of The Cliff Dive’s owner Jeremy Blackmore. Shea, better known to all behind the bar as ‘Honky’, had been working as a mechanical engineer and running a yakitori stall at Crows Nest Market. After stumbling across Honky’s stall one weekend, Honky was convinced to quit his engineering job and make the switch from Japanese to Thai.

Honky’s menu is short and simple. There are five sticks to choose from: pork, beef, chicken, octopus and tofu. Each stick is $3, or you can ball out with the outrageous deal that is ‘The Hungry Honky’ – all five of the sticks with a side of pandan coconut rice and fresh pickled vegies.

The kitchen is open late every night – making this a great option for those of us who forget about the lock out every single night they’re out.

Where
The Cliff Dive, 16-18 Oxford Square, Darlinghurst

When
Wed-Sun 6pm-1:30am

How much
$3 a stick or $16 for one of each stick with sides

Originally published by Two Thousand in 2015

Fried rice is a dish that deserves to be a stock standard response to the question “what’s your favourite food?” – right up there with pizza and burgers. The response that you just blurt out without any thought whatsoever, especially when it’s the fried rice they serve at Lao Village in Fairfield.

Nam Khao is the Laotian take on fried rice and they don’t mess around – balls of rice are deep fried, then busted into bits and served with pieces of sour pork, coconut, peanuts and herbs. It’s insanely good, and the best Nam Khao in Sydney is the star of Lao Village’s menu. As soon as you sit down you should order two plates of it, planning to order one more later in your meal.

Which isn’t to suggest that the rest of the menu is disappointing in the slightest. The Lao pork sausages are fatty, delicious and served with a selection of herbs and leaves that make for a combo so wild that you’ll almost regret ordering that third fried rice. The papaya salad comes two ways: the classic Thai style, sour and spicy, or Lao style, dank with salty anchovies. Also worth trying is the crispy quail and the ‘Lao beef jerky’: a plate full of gloriously greasy and surprisingly sweet pieces of deep fried beef.

Enjoy your feast with an egg soda (soda water + condensed milk + an egg yolk = delicious science!) and marvel at the many bizarre artworks adorning the walls, which include a few dogs playing poker, and a picture of a massive weed bud with the caption ‘SAVE THE BRAINFOREST’.

Where
Lao Village, 3 Anzac Avenue, Fairfield

When
Mon-Sun 12pm-10pm

How much
Almost everything on the menu is $10

Photos
Al Kalyk

Originally published by Two Thousand in 2015