REVIEW: ‘The Double Down Diner’ by Porteno x Messina

Originally published by Two Thousand in 2015

One of the cooler announcements for Sydney Festival this year was that Porteno and Gelato Messina would be teaming up to create a pop-up diner truck in the Festival Village. A four year old restaurant that’s still hard to get a table at joining forces with an gelato company whose name is almost more well known than the word gelato? This could be the best pop-up of all time!

The Double Down Diner looks fantastic, a wooden black and white rectangle in the middle of the colourful Festival Village. Porteno’s Good Eats is on the left and Messina’s Tasty Treats is on the right. They’ve both got fun and extensive carnival menus, and amazingly, they’re both selling a take on chicken and waffles.

Porteno are also selling corn dogs, reubens, Philly cheese steaks and fries with dorito salt. At 3pm there’s no line at all, and the food is prepared with lightning speed as all the elements of each dish are sitting already cooked, being kept lukewarm in a bain marie or under a heat lamp. Lukewarm is an understatement – on a 35 degree day, my fries taste cold. The waffle with fried chicken, coleslaw and maple syrup is tasty but almost ruined by a stiff piece of bacon which had been sitting there for so long it was able to give us a review of the highlights at Sydney Festival the night before. Obviously when the Village is busier, more food is being cooked and is therefore fresher, however it’s a bummer that people who come in the quieter hours are rewarded with limp food.

Gelato Messina’s Tasty Treats fair a little better – ice cream is supposed to be cold right? Their take on chicken and waffles features a waffle topped with a piece of deep fried ice cream, made to look like fried chicken, covered in a maple caramel sauce. It’s fun, a little bland by Messina’s standards, but the sauce kicks in some richness. Also fun is Messina’s Royale With Cheese, a burger consisting of a crunchy chocolate gelato patty, white chocolate cheese, passionfruit mustard and strawberry ketchup, served in a warm brioche bun. It’s nowhere near as good as the gelato burger that used to be served at the Gelato Messina Lab a few years ago, but it’s sweet, cute and, like every part of The Double Down Diner, very fun. I’d be very impressed if anyone could eat a whole burger to themselves though, that thing is dense.

It feels pointless criticising a pop-up diner that could never live up to the hype of the restaurants behind it, but both Porteno and Messina are known for their level of exceptional quality in everything that they do. Yes, The Double Down Diner is fun, and certainly not a bad experience, but it’s a shame this isn’t the mindblowing collaboration it should be. Maybe next year?

Pizza Hut’s new Vegemite stuffed crust pizza

Originally published by Two Thousand in 2015

Pizza Hut introduced their ‘stuffed crust pizza’ in the mid nineties and for a solid decade they kept their stuffed crusts simple, lining the edge of their pizzas with extra cheese and folding the dough over it, forming a cheesy tube. It was a fun new way to eat pizza! Crust first! There was no reason to change anything. Then in 2006 weird commercials from Japan and Korea started showing up, advertising a hot dog stuffed crust and Pizza Huts all over the world realised the true potential of stuffed crust pizzas: to only appeal to the most cooked bong-lords who take pride in eating the dumbest bullshit they can think of.

Pizza Hut invented a machine that every six months decides a completely random ingredient that should never be anywhere near a pizza and stuffs that in their crust for a limited time only, or until somebody dies from a stuffed crust that’s just way too hectic. After cursing humanity with the cheeseburger stuffed crust and more recently, the Dorito crunchy crust, the evil machine has decided to celebrate Australia Day by shitting on everything the Italians have ever blessed us with and creating the ‘Mitey stuffed crust’, a pizza stuffed with cheese and Vegemite.

I think Vegemite is a cool invention. Smeared on buttery toast, it’s one of my favourite breakfasts. Other things I enjoyed it smeared on are un-toasted toast (aka bread), Vita Weats and crumpets. I think anyone who doesn’t like Vegemite is a traitor, but I would punch literally any friend or family member in the face if they suggested I smear a little on my pizza. Lately I’ve been shortening my lifespan with new fast food experiments, so I thought I’d take another one for the team and order a couple of these abominations.

Pizza Hut’s website uses a picture of a Hawaiian pizza as its featured ‘Mitey Stuffed Crust Pizza’, which just sounds like the worst possible combo possible. So I ordered one. I got a plain cheese with the Vegemite crust too, which seemed to me like the least disgusting. After just 20 minutes of the predicted 30 minute delivery time had passed, Suresh P delivered me my pizzas, without judging me in any way at all.

Opening up a box of chain store pizza will always let out a gnarly smell of sweaty pizza. Add Vegemite to the mix and you’ll be asking everyone around you if ‘pungentest’ is a word, because this is the pungentest thing you’ve ever smelt.

How does it look? Like the standard sad, limp disc of pizza that thousands of people have delivered to their door every second. Except there’s the addition of a black ring of death, oozing from the swollen crust and threatening the very existence of every chunk of ham and pineapple that it surrounds. Fantastic. I couldn’t wait to put this in my mouth, like I do with everything that looks and smells like the worst thing ever.

If you’re careful enough, you can eat just the pizza part and avoid the crust completely. While recommended, that’s not why you’d order a pizza with a Vegemite crust. Pizza Hut has an entire range that is completely devoid of Vegemite. To really experience the ‘Mitey Stuffed Crust Pizza’, you have to actually take a bite of the Vegemite part.

We’re only three weeks into 2015, but I’ll be very surprised if I experience anything worse than taking a bite of the Vegemite-y part of this pizza. Vegemite is one of the strongest, most overwhelming tastes in the world. So is the tomato sauce that tops every pizza at Pizza Hut. These two things have an argument in your mouth. A loud, disgusting argument. As you chew, the only question that resonates louder than “why does this exist?” is “why is this in my mouth?”.

For this pizza to exist three insane things had to happen. For one, someone had to even think of the combination in the first place (unless the evil machine I was talking about in the second paragraph ACTUALLY EXISTS). That someone had to then convince their boss to even consider making this real, and finally, a team of professionals made it real and tasted it and decided to charge money for it. Maybe these three things don’t seem that insane to read about, but try to imagine these events taking place as you try to swallow a mouthful of black pizza.

Before you commit to an entire ‘Mitey Stuffed Crust Pizza’ (who the hell even calls Vegemite ‘Mitey’ btw), order a regular pizza and smear some Vegemite on the crust of one piece. If you enjoy the taste, punch yourself in the face. Happy Australia Day.

2019 UPDATE: I don’t remember doing this, but apparently after eating a few slices, I flipped the pizza off and fed it to some dogs? Wildly irresponsible stuff, but this is a wonderful photo essay. Photos by Al Kalyk!

REVIEW: Boom Chicken and Bing Master

Originally published by Two Thousand in 2014

Last week we made a bunch of dated Friends jokes and brought to your attention the new Chippendale takeaway spot Mr Bing Gourmet Wrapz. Since the start of the year, Mr Bing has been serving piping hot jian bings, which are a Chinese / Taiwanese answer to the question “what would happen if an omelette and a burrito had a baby?”.

Over on the basement level of Westfield in Parramatta, a hotspot has been doing roughly the same thing for roughly the same amount of time. And if you thought the possible Chandler -referencing Mr Bing was a good name? This Parramatta joint has the most incredible name ever: Boom Chicken and Bing Master. It’s a kind of name that makes you wanna immediately get Terry Durack on the line and ask if you can borrow three hats, because you’ve found the best restaurant of the year.

Boom Chicken and Bing Master is one of the many fast food options in the underground strip that connects Westfield to Parramatta station. They offer two things: Taiwanese fried chicken (aka Boom Chicken) and jian bings, which their name states they are the masters of. Where Mr Bing’s menu inspires you to sample as much of it as possible, here your eyes are drawn to one thing only: The Boom Chicken Bing. Taiwanese fried chicken wrapped in an eggy crepe. Have Good Food Guide ever given somewhere four stars?

Hot, messy and collapsing out of the foil bag it’s served in, the Boom Chicken Bing delivers. A greasy tube of heart attack with a good kick from various chilli pastes and sauces. As heavy as it is, I can’t see myself ever ordering anything else from the Bing Master.

Losers allergic to the joys that Parramatta can bring will be unfairly rewarded by a Boom Chicken and Bing Master opening in the city soon. The jian bing revolution has begun! Get ready to eat all your meals wrapped in eggs!

REVIEW: Mr Bing Gourmet Wrapz

Originally published by Two Thousand in 2014

Friends fans rejoice! They finally named a food franchise after Chandler. Ever wondered what he did after the series finale? He spent almost two decades in Asia, devouring snacks and honing his catering skills and late last year moved to Sydney to open a franchise in Chippendale called Mr Bing.

Ignore the last paragraph, especially if you were more of a Frasier fan. A jian bing is an incredible snack from China, a great big pancake that’s equal parts omelette and equal parts crepe, wrapped around various fillings, most popular of which is fried bread and pork floss. It’s also really popular in Taiwan, and probably would be popular everywhere if it were easier to find. You used to be able to get a jian bing at the Dixon St Markets of a Friday night in Chinatown, although it was called a ‘Chinese hot dog’. I featured one in my guide to the best hot dogs in Sydney video that I made a few years back. It was delicious, but merely the tip of the egg wrapped iceberg when it came to the variety of jian bing.

In the last few months, Sydney has gained two dedicated Jian Bing joints. First the incredibly named Boom Chicken & Bing Master opened in Parramatta (we’ll be heading there next week!), and more recently Mr Bing popped up on City Rd in Chippendale. It’s a hole in the wall takeaway spot. It’s super cute and the menu is impressive, taking the humble little bing on a little holiday for each option, filling some with Korean BBQ pork and others with a weird take on an Aussie beef burger. These options are a little over the top, packed with unnecessary mayo (eggs on eggs on eggs) and odd flavours.

The namesake Mr Bing is a classic Chinese jian bing and absolutely what you should be ordering, filled with a stick of fried bread, sweet bean sauce and sesame seeds. For a couple bucks you can add an extra egg and some pork floss. It’s sweet, moreish, soft, crunchy, eggy and filling, but I still wanted two. I opted for a smaller Taiwanese style jian bings with ham and cheese. A good choice!

If you like kebabs and burritos please make some room in your diet for another cylinder you eat out of a paper bag. These jian bings are legit. It’s just a shame Mr Bing isn’t open an night, although Jian Bings are typically breakfast food, they’d go down nice with a few too many beers.

REVIEW: Work in Progress @patrickfriesen

Originally published by Two Thousand in 2014

Before you ask, no, I did not just accidentally hit publish on an article I’d just started about Twitter. The name of this restaurant is ‘Work in Progress @patrickfriesen’. Work in Progress is the Merivale owned bar in the CBD and for the month of March they’ve enlisted chef Patrick Friesen to take over. Friesen’s Instagram handle is @patrickfriesen, a username he shares with this Twitter user, who describes himself as “a follower of the teachings of Jesus”. Maybe Merivale knew about this other @patrickfriesen and were hoping the connection would bring a more wholesome crowd to their new pop up. Maybe this is all a big ploy to get Friesen more followers than fellow Merivale chef Dan Hong. The name is a little baffling, but being a little baffling is something all Merivale venues do well.

Luckily, Merivale also do well when it comes to hiring chefs who cook great food. You may have eaten a @patrickfriesen dish at Ms G’s or at Papi Chulo, where he’s been head chef since it opened. Similar to Hong, a lot of Friesen’s food could be described as ‘stoner’, and his Work in Progress menu is a celebration of late night Asian snacks, bowls of noodles and fried chicken. A little refined and perfect for those in need of munchies.

They will have to battle through the usual Merivale missteps, including a fit out that looks like the title page of an angsty high school student’s art folder, and an iTunes playlist that tries so hard to please everybody that it pleases nobody. But, these things are easy to overlook with a bowl of wontons in your hand, brilliantly flavourful with pork and pepper and a good chew on the wrapper. Agedashi tofu is served covered in mayo and bonito flakes, as sweet as it is salty.

It only gets better – egg noodles covered in snow crab or duck, the latter soaked with spicy Sichuan and a dessert of fried chicken – Korean style of course, served with ginger or chilli. The Pnomh Penh wings are the best of the fried bird on offer, complete with extra zingy lime and white pepper sauce. That Cambodian combo rarely gets featured in fast food, and it’s great here.

Patrick Friesen has put together a killer menu and it’s clear that he loves the food he’s paying homage to as much as his Twitter doppelganger loves the teachings of Jesus. It’s the kind of spot that deserves a permanent location, like a low-key Mr Wong hole in the wall or something. Just change that soundtrack, for the love of all that is deep fried.

Review: Chicken Institute

Originally published by Two Thousand in 2014

Korean fried chicken. It’s crunchy, it’s delicious and it’s rapidly become the most readily available fried chicken in Sydney. Gone are the days when ‘Southern fried chicken’ was found on every second menu, in the last year Sydney officially replaced Kentucky with Korean and the new KFC has taken over. The original classic Arisun’s has started to expand, and Chinatown now comes close to rivalling Strathfield with its growing population of KFC joints.

The head chef of Paramount Coffee Project has just opened a new restaurant which proudly boasts Korean fried chicken on the menu (so proud that it’s referred to as ‘damn good chicken’ on the menu. The restaurant’s name is Chicken Institute. After eating a wide range of Korean fried chicken, both wonderful and sub-par, I was keen to eat at a restaurant with a name that suggests “ok motherfuckers, you wanna learn a thing or two about chicken? Enrol in a course at the goddamn Institute of Chicken and get KNOWLEDGED”. I bought a new set of exercise books and set out to get my PHD.

While far from bad, a meal at Chicken Institute doesn’t leave you with the feeling that you’ve learnt all there is to know about fried chicken. Instead you actually feel like popping into the kitchen with a short list of improvements that could be made to the menu like the cocky self appointed fried chicken expert you were born to be.

The ‘damn good fried chicken’ comes in four different flavours – original, sticky, peri peri and the caramel glazed fried garlic chicken. While the flavours are good (almost damn good), $20 – $24 gets you a silver bucket with four boneless pieces of fried chicken thigh. No wings, drummies or breast. Why would an institute offer such a limited syllabus of chicken pieces? And deny their students the glory of eating meat off the bone? The bright neon pieces of pickled radish on the side get a few bonus marks though.

Elsewhere on the menu are dishes similarly let down by a few oversights. The bibim-bap is way too healthy, a bowl of pretty raw vegetables with bland red rice and pearl barley. You’ll use every bit of the that fried egg and kim chi to try and make the dish more flavourful. Kimchi poutine is considerably better (and considerably less healthy), its mix of fries, kimchi, sauce and cheese is the closest thing Sydney has to the spectacular ‘Ooey Gooey Fries’ at Chego in LA, however it would come even closer if a melted tasty cheese was used instead, the small scattering of grated hard cheese barely registering a cheesiness at all.

Most is forgiven when dessert offers you a cute goldfish shaped cake filled with ice cream, peanuts and condensed milk, complete with a glove in case you feel so inclined to pick the fish up and eat it with your hands. Just try not to take that glove to the kitchen and challenge the teachers at the Institute to a fried chicken duel.

REVIEW: Arisun Express / Azoto

Originally published by Two Thousand in 2014

Arisun in Chinatown is a place you can spend three hours in. Eating fried chicken, drinking jugs of beer, arguing with the staff before walking out exclaiming “don’t change a thing!” and genuinely meaning it. It’s a perfect venue, far more entertaining than the Entertainment Centre around the corner. A drunk uncle of a restaurant that you can’t wait to visit again, even though he never remembers your name.

For me, Arisun is a commitment. One does not simply order half a chicken and call it a night. I’m in it for the long haul – ordering their biggest, coldest jug from the get go and then upgrading to a ridiculous beer tower within twenty minutes and demanding they fill another tower with fried chicken. My favourite style of Arisun chicken is the one that comes with a three day hangover, but I can’t eat it as much as I used to. I’m a father now. I need something a little less encouraging.

Enter Arisun Express, Arisun’s hopefully extremely successful attempt at toppling the Colonel’s KFC empire. Here you can order a whole Korean fried bird – or popcorn chicken style, small pieces of deep fried Arisun nuggets in a variety of glazes. Arisun veterans will be happy to know that the classic soy glaze is as good here as it is down the road, but the sweet and spicy glaze might have it beat, with a double crunch from the batter and bright red sugar that candy coats each bite sized bit.

There’s more in their cups than just chicken – this is Arisun after all, home to a lovely selection of joyously drinkable Korean lagers, best served as cold as possible. In fact, you can get your Hite served frozen! Your schooner comes topped with a cute spurt of beer slushie. On its own, the frozen beer will make you recall that time you left that six-pack of Carlton Colds in the freezer too long, but tilt your glass towards you and drink your beer through the icy froth for a wave of frostiness. Very cool.

In Arisun’s same little box of World Square real estate is Azoto, Chinatown’s second liquid nitrogen based gelato bar – something we clearly needed two of. While the fun desserts look great, the ice cream itself isn’t as good as it is at N2 and when there’s frozen beer on the menu, why would you order ice cream?

Arisun Express is an awesome addition to Liverpool street. At best it’s a quick and easy alternative to a weekend killing Arisun bender on a Friday afternoon, at worst it’s a cup of fried chicken that you can eat on the walk to Arisun, a warm up for the real thing.

REVIEW: Aqua S

Originally published by Two Thousand in 2014

I was sad when I heard that Seapunk died. I was just about to dye my mohawk turquoise when Rihanna performed Diamonds on SNL surrounded by dolphin gifs. Overexposed, Seapunk was dead and buried before I could even ride the wave. But, the breeze of change blew through Sydney this week, announcing that Seapunk had made its return – in ice cream form.

Aqua S is a sky blue ice creamery in the Regents Place shopping mall on George Street. Sick of gelato? There’s only soft serve ice cream here. Bright, colourful and creamy soft serve. The star of the show is Aqua S’s signature flavour – sea salt, which comes freshly piped out of the soft serve machine an irresistible shade of blue. It tastes as good as it looks too – sweet, creamy and subtly sweet. The other flavours on offer will change every fortnight, at the moment you can get a sour lemon iced tea and a rich biscotti flavour.

You can get the flavours on their own, but, that wouldn’t be very fun. Where Aqua S excels is with their toppings. You can have your soft serve cone dipped in pop-rocks, twirled with fairy floss, covered in caramel popcorn or topped with a toasted marshmallow. Eight bucks gets you the ‘all you can eat’ option of every single topping, a beautiful mess of freezing cold sugar that is sure to take over your Instagram feed in 2015.

The walls have been painted to look like clouds and it always smells like popcorn. It’s what I always imagined heaven to be like. Nobody tell Rihanna, she’ll wreck it for everyone.

REVIEW: Rupert & Ruby

Originally published by Two Thousand in 2014

Since Kickstarter launched I have personally help crowdfund a book I haven’t read and an iPhone gaming accessory that I crammed into the back of a drawer with my least favourite socks after about 30 seconds of trying to make it work. Rupert & Ruby is a new cafe on Stanley St, and the first instance of crowdfunding that hasn’t made me seethe with regret.

Rupert & Ruby is the latest occupant of Icon Park, the space that use crowdfunding to finance new tenants, raising the necessary funds needed to open a new restaurant or bar space. The Rupert part comes from Bondi restaurant Fat Rupert’s, while the Ruby comes from Ruby’s BBQ, an American barbecue pop up named after the wife of the Fat Rupert’s head chef, Eli Challenger. Eli has a passion for barbecue and Southern cooking, and Rupert & Ruby is a cafe where almost everything on the menu has a little nod to the South.

There’s a smoker at Fat Rupert’s, and much of the menu at Rupert & Ruby utilises that cast iron flavour machine, with the smoked chicken salad and the smoked vegetable gratin both benefiting from a welcome hit of schmoke. Even the Big Poppa burger gets a little fire – the meat in the patty is a mixture of chuck and smoked brisket. It’s a completely different texture to what you’re used to in a burger – it may have been even better with a little more fat through the patty. You can easily make up for that lost fat after your meal with dessert – a maple cheesecake with chocolate bacon and popcorn – or even before your meal with breakfast, waffles with fried chicken and ice cream. You might want to crowdfund a bigger belt after eating here though.

REVIEW: Bowery Lane

Originally published by Two Thousand in 2014

Deep inside Suitsville, where parking costs $75 an hour and holding your phone in front of your date for the entire meal is totally ok, sits Bowery Lane, a sprawling, vaguely American complex comprised of a coffee counter, a takeaway sandwich nook, a bar and a restaurant, which is now open for dinner every night of the week.

The fit out is welcoming, long tables for larger groups and intimate booths perfect for dating couples or a romantic reviewer/photographer duo. The American inspired menu mostly lives up to the detailed descriptions, the enormous and meaty share plates definitely being the highlight overall, with a number of diners looking longingly at the neighbouring tables tucking into wagyu short rib or pork collar while they contemplate their soft shell crab burgers.

Bowery Lane’s forays into more trendy, “fun!” dishes is less successful, their decision to serve rare tuna on a tough brioche bun is confusing, although far less confusing than serving their best dessert, cookies and cream, in a jar and then on a huge plank of wood. If there was an award for the most 2014 presentation of food ever, we would have a winner.

Where Bowery Lane stays true to its name is behind the bar. There’s an impressive list of New York’s finest beers, from Brooklyn Lager to Sorachi Ace, both rarely found at any of Sydney’s Americana hotspots. All beers are served in a glass, not a jar, and without a plank of wood beneath them.