Originally published by Two Thousand in 2015
Pizza Hut introduced their ‘stuffed crust pizza’ in the mid nineties and for a solid decade they kept their stuffed crusts simple, lining the edge of their pizzas with extra cheese and folding the dough over it, forming a cheesy tube. It was a fun new way to eat pizza! Crust first! There was no reason to change anything. Then in 2006 weird commercials from Japan and Korea started showing up, advertising a hot dog stuffed crust and Pizza Huts all over the world realised the true potential of stuffed crust pizzas: to only appeal to the most cooked bong-lords who take pride in eating the dumbest bullshit they can think of.
Pizza Hut invented a machine that every six months decides a completely random ingredient that should never be anywhere near a pizza and stuffs that in their crust for a limited time only, or until somebody dies from a stuffed crust that’s just way too hectic. After cursing humanity with the cheeseburger stuffed crust and more recently, the Dorito crunchy crust, the evil machine has decided to celebrate Australia Day by shitting on everything the Italians have ever blessed us with and creating the ‘Mitey stuffed crust’, a pizza stuffed with cheese and Vegemite.
I think Vegemite is a cool invention. Smeared on buttery toast, it’s one of my favourite breakfasts. Other things I enjoyed it smeared on are un-toasted toast (aka bread), Vita Weats and crumpets. I think anyone who doesn’t like Vegemite is a traitor, but I would punch literally any friend or family member in the face if they suggested I smear a little on my pizza. Lately I’ve been shortening my lifespan with new fast food experiments, so I thought I’d take another one for the team and order a couple of these abominations.
Pizza Hut’s website uses a picture of a Hawaiian pizza as its featured ‘Mitey Stuffed Crust Pizza’, which just sounds like the worst possible combo possible. So I ordered one. I got a plain cheese with the Vegemite crust too, which seemed to me like the least disgusting. After just 20 minutes of the predicted 30 minute delivery time had passed, Suresh P delivered me my pizzas, without judging me in any way at all.
Opening up a box of chain store pizza will always let out a gnarly smell of sweaty pizza. Add Vegemite to the mix and you’ll be asking everyone around you if ‘pungentest’ is a word, because this is the pungentest thing you’ve ever smelt.
How does it look? Like the standard sad, limp disc of pizza that thousands of people have delivered to their door every second. Except there’s the addition of a black ring of death, oozing from the swollen crust and threatening the very existence of every chunk of ham and pineapple that it surrounds. Fantastic. I couldn’t wait to put this in my mouth, like I do with everything that looks and smells like the worst thing ever.
If you’re careful enough, you can eat just the pizza part and avoid the crust completely. While recommended, that’s not why you’d order a pizza with a Vegemite crust. Pizza Hut has an entire range that is completely devoid of Vegemite. To really experience the ‘Mitey Stuffed Crust Pizza’, you have to actually take a bite of the Vegemite part.
We’re only three weeks into 2015, but I’ll be very surprised if I experience anything worse than taking a bite of the Vegemite-y part of this pizza. Vegemite is one of the strongest, most overwhelming tastes in the world. So is the tomato sauce that tops every pizza at Pizza Hut. These two things have an argument in your mouth. A loud, disgusting argument. As you chew, the only question that resonates louder than “why does this exist?” is “why is this in my mouth?”.
For this pizza to exist three insane things had to happen. For one, someone had to even think of the combination in the first place (unless the evil machine I was talking about in the second paragraph ACTUALLY EXISTS). That someone had to then convince their boss to even consider making this real, and finally, a team of professionals made it real and tasted it and decided to charge money for it. Maybe these three things don’t seem that insane to read about, but try to imagine these events taking place as you try to swallow a mouthful of black pizza.
Before you commit to an entire ‘Mitey Stuffed Crust Pizza’ (who the hell even calls Vegemite ‘Mitey’ btw), order a regular pizza and smear some Vegemite on the crust of one piece. If you enjoy the taste, punch yourself in the face. Happy Australia Day.
2019 UPDATE: I don’t remember doing this, but apparently after eating a few slices, I flipped the pizza off and fed it to some dogs? Wildly irresponsible stuff, but this is a wonderful photo essay. Photos by Al Kalyk!
